Nagging - Abuse that Always Fails
26 07 2006
Have you ever been nagged? Did nagging ever make you feel motivated to get to your feet and launch into something with joy with all your heart and do excellently?
If so, you’re unusual. Many people tolerate it or go along with it, but most people absolutely detest it. And, yet so many people do it. Why?
Recommended Reading: 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships
If you want your spouse to ignore you and hate hearing your voice, nagging is the very best way to do this. How many times have people nagged their spouses to lose weight and found their spouse becoming rebellious and passively striking back in revenge by becoming more and more stubborn to punish the one who nags?
People hate nags. People hate to be nagged. It’s a no-brainer. Who likes to be controlled, belittled, bullied verbally, put on the spot, embarrassed before other people? This is the behavior of the incompetent, the social idiot, the loser, the person who has no clue how to motivate people or who is too lazy to make an effort to find a way to motivate people in positive ways from the heart.
Nagging and bullying are stupid things to do. Don’t do it. It destroys marriages and family relationships. It destroys friends. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t cause the results desired.
The problem with nagging is that people somehow feel it is necessary and they feel it “should” work. So, when it fails, and it always does, they assume they haven’t nagged enough, bullied enough, embarrassed enough, and such. But, if nagging creates negative results, guess what more intensive nagging does? It creates much worse negative results.
Men hate being nagged. Some men run off with other women to get away from a nagging wife. That doesn’t make adultery justified or reasonable, but consider what message nagging sends to men. Men need to feel honored. They need to feel respected. But, nagging tells a man he is too stupid, immature, worthless, and incompetent to be able to do the work that needs to be done, incompetent to prioritize properly. It is a judgment that says, “I’m smarter than you, so obey me you stupid, worthless man!”
It is a caustic, unhealthy, vicious cycle. Women express a need. Men feel nagged and ignore. Women nag more intensely, and men shut down and avoid more intensely. Fights break out. Both partners rebel against each other trying to gain the upper hand and force the other spouse to back down from causing pain.
Sooner or later, one spouse often gives up and looks for a replacement, and often the one that leaves does so because they feel the marriage has been lost and they do not want to risk being the one left alone.
That doesn’t make adultery justified. In fact adultery is very cowardly and selfish and abusive toward the children. The solution to this problem is to learn more constructive and successful and mature ways to relate to our spouses.
First, we need to respect our spouse’s desires and rights to make choices of their own. We need to respect each other’s space and not violate it. And, we need to let our spouses experience the consequences of their actions. And that is not an excuse to bully or abandon our spouses and call that “consequences” unless our spouse is destroying the family with adultery or violent endangerment.
If our spouse drives drunk or throws a child across the room, we need not bail them out of jail. If our spouse makes bad decisions, we should not gossip about it or tear them down before other people. But, we should not lie for them to cover for them either. And, yet there’s no reason to embellish on it. We need not judge or upbraid them telling them, “See, I told you…” Let them come to that conclusion themselves. The goal should not be to tear down our spouses but to encourage and build up our spouses and help them to grow up and improve. Don’t seek revenge. Don’t try to destroy or punish your spouse. Be humble and treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated for the mistakes you make.
Love your spouse and your children and seek their greatest well being.
