Save Your Marriage

I am not much of a TV person, but I enjoy seeing the news and programs related to world events. This morning I saw Helen Fisher being interviewed about her book on love addictions.

Fisher spoke of how this addiction can cause physical pain just like a drug addiction and how it is much more powerful than many other addictions in leading more people to do crazy things such as committing murder, suicide, acts of violence, driving crazy, alcohol and drug abuse, and exhibiting mental problems such as depression, loss of memory, dizziness, and other maladies.

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This reminded me of a 1980’s song by Robert Palmer called “Addicted to Love”. Take note of the lyrics at the end of this message.

This dovetails in with much of the teaching on codependency that has been going around for many years. Codependency is where a person gets addicted the the pathologies of another person — drunkenness, abusiveness, etc. People with an alcoholic parent, for instance, may feel desperate to get out of the house to get away from the problem and may end up marrying an alcoholic. Many times a person with a history of several divorces will find that there is something in common between all those spouses. They may all be alcoholics or gamblers or drug abusers.

When a divorce takes place, often before that divorce takes place, one spouse will have fallen into an affair. Many people believe this happens because one spouse is not getting his or her needs met and tries to meet them through someone else. But, I think there may be another cause in many situations.

I have heard people say that alcoholism and drug abuse are often ways depressed or fearful people try to self-medicate themselves and get rid of the pain. Suicide is also a way of getting away from severe pain. Other addictions may be adrenaline addictions from gambling, risky and dangerous behavior, and such. Some people also seem to be addicted to fighting or quarrelling.

These people may be deathly afraid of losing in love. They may doubt that their spouses can really continue to love them knowing their weaknesses and knowing who they are. So, fearing loss and loneliness, they may try to protect themselves from heartbreak by finding another lover first.

This path in life is not only morally wrong, it is irrational. The illicit affair is almost always more volatile and susceptible to failure than the marriage. But, drug abuse, drunkenness, gambling, abuse, and such are also irrational behavior.

But, when the spouse with the problem leaves the marriage for an affair, often the faithful spouse left behind also carries an addiction to the relationship. They may be addicted to taking care of a person with bipolar, as I was addicted to loving and caring for my wife. They may be addicted to taking care of a drunk or covering for a gambler. They may blame themselves for the abuse they receive just so their spouses won’t stop abusing them — not that they like abuse or the pain it causes, but that they have become accustomed to living with abuse and the fear of the unknown or the fear of change can become greater than the fear of abuse.

People become weak and vulnerable when they depend on the approval of others for their self-esteem, and this problem doesn’t go away by denying that it’s there. People need stable sources for self-esteem that do not depend on other people or things that fail. For instance, if your self-esteem depends on physical beauty or clarity of speech, a stroke can be more devastating for you than for someone whose self esteem is in something that cannot be taken away such as faith in God and in the love of God.

In healthy love relationships, couples or family members do not seek to use fear to control others. For example, threatening divorce is a hideous example of how a manipulative, controlling tyrant can brutalize the family for selfish gain by using another person’s love as a weapon against them. 

And, yet each of us bears responsibility to protect ourselves from this addiction and from being ruled by this fear. We should never reward another person for blackmailing us by threatening to do something wrong, by threatening unfaithfulness, by threatening divorce, by threatening to hurt a loved one, or any kind of emotionally abusive threat like this. We cannot choose how other people will behave, but we can choose how we will respond to it. And if we allow ourselves to become vulnerable to such abuse, we not only hurt ourselves but we hurt the person abusing us as well, and we hurt our children, parents, and other loved ones.

One thing vital to a healthy, truly loving relationship is to remove and guard against the toxicity of addictions and slaveries to fears and insecurities. We need to take courage and pray for grace and comfort to press against those fears and refuse to accept them as lord and king over our lives. We need to be free to be rational and make wise decisions.

Robert Palmer

Addicted to Love  Your lights are on, but you’re not home Your mind is not your own Your heart sweats, your body shakes Another kiss is what it takes  You can’t sleep, you can’t eat There’s no doubt, you’re in deep Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe Another kiss is all you need    Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah   It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough   You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love  You see the signs, but you can’t read You’re runnin’ at a different speed Your heart beats in double time Another kiss and you’ll be mine, a one track mind  You can’t be saved Oblivion is all you crave If there’s some left for you You don’t mind if you do    Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah   It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough   You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love  Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love  —— lead guitar ——  Your lights are on, but you’re not home Your will is not your own You’re heart sweats and teeth grind Another kiss and you’ll be mine    Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah   It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough   You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love  Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love